It’s not your fault…

I’ll tell you how you feel. You feel helpless, you feel unhappy, you feel angry, you feel confused and just feel like giving up. Don’t…It’s not your fault You don’t be…

Source: It’s not your fault…

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It’s not your fault…

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I’ll tell you how you feel. You feel helpless, you feel unhappy, you feel angry, you feel confused and just feel like giving up.

Don’t…It’s not your fault

You don’t believe this, I lash out, I don’t trust you, I say hurtful words then in the click of a finger I love you, I’m kind to you and ask you not to leave.

That’s not your fault…

That smell, that sound, that word, that song or that touch in my complex mind blows up thoughts and takes me back to that unsafe place. I respond in a way you will never understand, I push you away but want you there but that’s not your fault. The trigger may have been you but still it’s not your fault.

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I want you to know more about BPD you could read all the books in the world but you would probably never understand and that’s not your fault!

“Identity Disturbance – unstable self image or sense of self”

Im different with family, I’m different in a shop, I’m different at work, I’m different with friends, I’m different with my daughter and I’m different with you.

But that is not your fault.

Just call me your human chameleon.

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People with BPD are probably the most loving, caring people but don’t actually know how to show it.

This borderline loves you…but guess what?

That IS your fault.

 

 

Welcome To My Mind…

“I was never that nasty, controlling creature they all thought”

Three weeks ago I got called a nasty, controlling creature that played on a mental illness, I thought but didn’t have. By the one person I needed love and acceptance by the most…my boyfriend.

I have suffered greatly with my mental health from the age of 16. Eight years on I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Before my diagnosis I experienced (and still do) mood changes on a day to day basis, this was very confusing and exhausting. The way my boyfriend tidied the house or sometimes even the way he looked at me could send my head into an emotional whirlwind. To deal with these difficult times the only way out or the only way I felt better was to self harm. Cutting, overdosing and Bulimia were my only way I could take control.

My relationships and feeling towards close friends and family changed on a day to day basis. One minute I loved them and the next I hated them. Which led to very aggressive thoughts and graphic images in my head. Confusing right?

My behaviour and the way I acted caused these people to say to me…

  • Grow up
  • Get a grip
  • Stop attention seeking
  • Just let it go over your head
  • Your just a spoilt brat

To me I was still confused because I really really couldn’t and deep down knew I was a caring person that just needed love. This again sent my head into an emotional whirlwind.

Now I have my diagnosis of BPD and have read and researched into my illness. I am proud to say I have BPD. I’m NOT that nasty controlling creature, that I did start believing I was, I’m just ill.

I’m now starting to understand my thoughts, feeling and behaviours. So now I WILL get better and I WILL learn how to cope, to create the life I deserve.

I am a normal person just in my own unique way.